Gambling On Salvation. Do I Feel Lucky? Well Do Ya Punk?


My road to Catholicism stage two:

The word “thirsty” described me well… and “squirrely” may have worked too.  I had found a good job, married a wonderful husband, bought the house, had three gorgeous children and was ready to keep “collecting” but my spirit ran dry. And to be honest, so did my bank account so shopping therapy no longer worked. Don’t get me wrong, I cherished everything, but wasn’t fulfilled. What’s left in the end? I questioned. Prozac? Pinot Grigio? Romantic British period pieces? Sigh… I’d seen them all. The future didn’t look bright and sparkly it looked dull like my floors. My parched soul grew into a desert of depression. I started blaming my husband, my job, my mortgage, princess movies, until finally the myth of happily-ever-after burst into a bubble-less void.

As an Agnostic I believed in a new age super something that maybe existed. Life was supposed to just magically work out with or without prayers. I began to seriously contemplate my existence. I had everything I needed so why was I unhappy?

I was missing love. Of course I had the love of my husband and children but their love and my love for them felt like a small piece of a larger whole. It was not the singular, pure, all-encompassing love from my vision so long ago and I found I craved that love desperately.  How do I get that back? I wondered. I knew then I had been dancing my life around the truth of God and gambling on salvation. The most real thing I had ever experienced was that vision of love. I now understood love as an awesome, powerful force existed. It wasn’t an imaginary super something, it was freaking God and… I think he was pissed at me.

No wonder I’d been given  a nice three-stooges swat in the form of a mid-life crisis, I was avoiding God — love in it’s purest form.  I couldn’t find fulfillment in my life because I was pushing love (God) away! I imagined the end. Was God going to ask me with a Dirty Harry squint and gravel in his voice to ask myself one question, “Do I feel lucky? Well do ya punk?” because I was heading towards this scenario if I stayed on the path of “maybe”. I was no longer willing to gamble on salvation -I needed it now. Also I’m not very lucky and I never win office pools so even a 50/50 chance wasn’t really good enough when eternity was on the line! I knew what I had to do…start seeking.

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